The title, I know, ouch! but it's a question that has probably crossed the minds of many people at some point in their lives, especially in the context of relationships. It's a question that can lead to a lot of insecurity, jealousy, and even self-doubt. So let's talk about it.
I know it's been a minute since I last wrote... a whole year, actually.. But hey, life happens, and I've been busy learning and growing in ways I never expected. I'm older now btw, so thanks for asking👀... that should count for something, right?
Unlike our usual conversations, I mean we've essentially covered the 101 of Modern Dating, ps: i'm honestly thinking of making a PDF out of it at this point, this one is a bit more personal. It's about something that I think a lot of us have experienced at some point in our lives, especially in the realm of relationships: retroactive jealousy.
Now before you roll your eyes, or skip ahead, hear me out light skin or darksin or whatever or whoever you are, or whatever "it" is that you think you are 😂, this isn't just about relationships.
ps: people really pay a lot to just get over this, you'd be surprised
Therapy, coaching, self-help books, you name it. So if you're dealing with this, know that you're not alone, and there are ways to work through it.
What is Retroactive Jealousy?
I don't want to come on here and give you a textbook definition, so... drum roll please, LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION! 🎬
BOYFRIEND: hey babe, can we talk about something?
GIRLFRIEND: sure, what's up?
BOYFRIEND: so when we broke up right, did you get with anyone else?
GIRLFRIEND: um, yeah, I did. Why?
BOYFRIEND: oh, no reason, just curious.
BOYFRIEND (again): not trying to be weird or anything (let's out a nervous laugh), but can you tell me about it? Like, who was it, what did you do, how long did it last?
GIRLFRIEND: um, I don't know if I want to talk about it, it's in the past and I don't think it's relevant to us now.
BOYFRIEND: I get that, but how was it? Did we enjoy it? Was he better than me? Do you guys still talk?
GIRLFRIEND (trying to not hurt his feelings but give him some sort of answer): well, it was just a fling, nothing serious. The sex was basic really, ours is way better. We don't talk anymore, it was just a one-time thing.
BOYFRIEND: oh, okay. but just out of curiosity, how many times did you sleep with him? Was it just once or did it happen multiple times?
GIRLFRIEND: so it wasn't just once, we did it a few times, but it was really nothing special. Like I said, what is important is that we are together now and that's what matters.
BOYFRIEND: yeah, I know, but is it gonna happen again? Like, do you think about him when we're together? Do you still have feelings for him?
GIRLFRIEND: no, of course not. I care about you and our relationship, and that's what matters to me. The past is the past, and I'm focused on building a future with you.
BOYFRIEND: so you don't get flashbacks or anything? Like do you think about what you did with him when we're together? Do you compare me to him?
GIRLFRIEND: no, I don't think about him when we're together.
BOYFRIEND's MIND: hmmmm, she says it was nothing, the once should have been enough, once is bad enough, why did she go again? if it was that bad, why does she remember? but she's with me now, so why that she still remembers? does she still think about him? does she still have feelings for him? is she comparing me to him? is she comparing me to him when we're together?...
it goes on and on and on. The thoughts, the questions, the doubts, the insecurities, the mental images, the comparisons, the what-ifs, the scenarios, the timelines, the details, the conversations, the memories, the feelings... it's a never-ending cycle in his head.
At this point, bro has mental images/videos of his girlfriend with this other guy, and he's comparing every move, every touch, every kiss to what she did with the other guy, he's cross-referencing every detail based on what she told him, what they've done together, what she didn't tell him, what he knows from his own imagination and other sources, and it's just a mess in his head. He's trying to make sense of it, but it's like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. And the more he tries to understand it, the more confused and jealous he becomes.
Guess what? it never stops. It just goes on and on, somethings, it looks like you've made a breakthrough from the scenes, not in a good way, then his mind is like "you know what, maybe I should just ask her about it again, maybe I missed something, maybe I need to know more details to feel better about it." And the cycle continues. Legend has it, bro will ask about it again, and again, and again, until he feels like he's got a good enough understanding of the past to move on and he might still be going through it as we speak or read, or listen to this as an audio.
ps: yes! i know, i see you, i know the kind of person you are, my hours of typing turned into... an audio, and you're listening to it, and you're like "bro, this is so relatable, it's like he's talking about me!" 😂😂
This is what retroactive jealousy looks like. It's a constant battle in the mind, trying to make sense of the past, trying to understand what happened, and trying to find a way to move forward without being haunted by it. So basically RJ (retroactive jealousy) is about being obsessed with your partner's past relationships and/or sexual history, and it can be really damaging to both you and your relationship if left unchecked.
How to Deal with Retroactive Jealousy the Wrong Way?
You might be wondering, "Why is bro trying to teach us the wrong way to deal with this?" Well, sometimes it's helpful to see what not to do before we can understand what to do.
PAUSE!!!!...
you. yes you there! MICHAELLLL!!! (me btw) ... you're lead role now. if I say "you" or "I" or "sufferer," that's you we're referring to. do you get it? michael: uhmmm, yeah, I think so?
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION! 🎬
So as a reaction to my fears — ps: i may or may not have been a victim of this myself, but walk with me — I try to ease the anxiety and other feelings I don't like in three very specific, very unhinged ways:
Mental compulsions. This is where I'm basically running a courtroom in my head 24/7. Cross-examining evidence. Building timelines. Trying to logic my way into feeling okay about something that happened before I even existed in this person's life. It looks something like:
okay so she said it was casual. but how casual is casual? like was it casual-casual or was it casual but she caught feelings casual? and if it was just physical then why did it go on that long? actually wait — did she say how long? let me replay that conversation. okay she said "a few months" but what does a few months mean to her, because to me a few months is—
and that's just the first thirty seconds. I may or may not have done this while someone was talking to me in person and nodded along like everything was fine. allegedly. 🙂
Physical compulsions. This is where the internal chaos becomes external chaos and starts affecting other people. So I'm asking my partner for more details — not because I want them, but because my brain has convinced me that one more answer will finally bring peace. It won't. But I ask anyway.
And then I ask again. And then I ask her to delete her finsta. And then I ask if she still follows him. And then I'm casually scrolling through a stranger's Instagram at 1am trying to understand what he has that I— anyway. this is fine. everything is fine. 👍
Ruminating. This one is the sneakiest because it feels the most like thinking. Like you're being productive. You're processing! You're healing! No. You are replaying the same three-minute mental movie on loop, pausing it, rewinding it, adding new details your imagination helpfully filled in, and calling it reflection. It's not reflection. It's just suffering with extra steps. 🎭
ps: the levels of creativity the brain uses to torture itself really are unmatched. truly a marvel of human engineering. 🏆 and it gets especially worse if you've already been intimate with the person... because now your brain has actual material to work with. it's not just imagination anymore, it's vivid, specific, referenced. your mind be like "someone had he/her like that?" and you already know what that means, the details, the feelings, the comparisons... even worse if the said past happens after you guys already got together, say after a break or something. I know right. it sucks.
But hear me out....
Your own past experiences and your partner's past played a role in the development of your retroactive jealousy, but the overall recovery process is pretty much the same for everyone. People have different stories and backgrounds, but the way to heal from this is pretty much the same. So if you're dealing with this, know that you're not alone, and there are ways to work through it. And that's what I want to talk about in the next section.
Mind you, it's up to you to call RJ a mental illness or not, but it's real. Others experience it more severely and aggressively than others, and everyone has their own set of compulsions. If yours, like mine, is severe and aggressive and self-destructive and/or has continued for a long time, it most likely won't go away on its own. You actually need to actively work on it. 💪
the correct response to all of the above, by the way:
okay. let's get into it.
I have never had OCD or other similar mental health issues before. Why am I experiencing this now?
First, don't focus on how you got here, focus on how to get out of it.
How to Actually Deal with Retroactive Jealousy (The Right Way)
okay so, now that we've established what RJ is, and thoroughly embarrassed ourselves (me... definitely me) in the process, let's talk about what to actually do about it.
And before you scroll to the bottom looking for a quick fix, a 3-step process, or some inspirational quote to screenshot and post on your story...stop!!!. Close that app. Come back. This isn't that kind of blog post.
First thing first: You're not crazy. You're just... not normal. (in the best way possible)
ps: i tried to stay that as nice as possible, but it still came out a little harsh, so... apologies in advance if you took it the wrong way. I mean it in the most loving way possible, I promise. 💖
here's the thing nobody tells you... most people around you genuinely cannot help you with this. Not your boys. Not your girls. Not your auntie who has been married for 30 years and has opinions about literally everything including things that are not her business. Not even that one friend who reads a lot and drops words like "attachment theory" in casual conversation like it's nothing.
i knew this being once, we be having the most calmest and modest convo about relationships and stuff, then this being be pulling text book verbatim, Martin Luther, Shakespearian type terms and I'm just there like "homo sapien! relaxxx!🤦♂️😅"
I actually knew/been with a girl like that. it felt like too much. I left her🤣🤣 (don't be scared of intimacy like me though!)
Because sapien, RJ isn't just regular jealousy. Regular jealousy is "why is he texting you at 2am." RJ is "babe, that trip you went on in 2019 with someone I've never met, will never meet, and who probably doesn't even remember your name... can we talk about it again?" It's a different beast entirely. And people who haven't been through it will say things like:
YOUR BOY: "bro just trust her wai"
YOUR GIRL: "you're being insecure, fix up"
THAT FRIEND: "have you tried... not thinking about it?"
YOU: okay so none of you are useful, noted 📝
So rule number one: stop taking advice from people who don't understand OCD-adjacent mental health. Seriously. And while we're at it... stay FAR and I repeat FAR! away from certain corners of the internet that shall not be named (you know the ones, the ones with the manifestos and the "red pill" energy and the general aura of a man who has never healed from anything in his life). Those places will take your perfectly reasonable insecurity and turn it into a whole worldview and a podcast. That is a road you do not want to go down. Trust me on this one.
Go find people who've actually been through it. That's why you're here, right? 😭
Tell your partner. Yes, actually tell them.
I know. I KNOW. The last thing you want to do is sit across from the person you love and go "hey so... I think I might have a problem." That feels humiliating. It feels like losing. It feels like handing them a reason to leave while actively watching yourself do it.
But here's what actually happens when you don't tell them: you ask weird questions at weird times. Your mood shifts for reasons they can't trace. You go cold and they don't know why. They start thinking it's them... that they did something wrong, that you're losing interest, that something is off. And they're not wrong that something is off, they just have no context for what it actually is.
so now you have TWO problems. the monster in your head AND a confused partner who is now also in their feelings. congratulations, you played yourself. 🏆
Telling them doesn't have to be a whole dramatic confession scene (although if you're dramatic, no judgment, make it a whole thing, light a candle, have a whole moment). It can be as simple as:
"hey, I've been struggling with some obsessive thoughts about your past and I'm working on it. it's not your fault and it's not about you not being enough...my brain is just being weird right now and I'm handling it."
That's it. That's the whole conversation. It makes them a partner in your recovery instead of an accidental trigger. And it explains a lot of the behavior they've probably already noticed and been quietly confused about.
Also — important — ask them to stop giving you details if you ask for them compulsively in the future. Yes, even if you beg. Especially if you beg.
ps: trust me you will at some point💀🤦♂️
The Monster in Your Head Has a Name
Let's talk about the actual cycle, because understanding it is half the battle.
You have obsessions — the intrusive thoughts, the mental images, the questions that pop up out of nowhere and refuse to leave. "Was he better? How many times? Did she feel something she doesn't feel with me?" Your brain just... generates these. You didn't ask for them. You can't stop them from showing up.
Then you have compulsions — the things you do to try to make the feeling go away. Asking for more details. Checking their socials. Replaying the conversation in your head for the 47th time trying to find a different conclusion. Asking for reassurance. Asking again five minutes later. Staying up until 3am building a mental timeline of their life before you existed.
Here's the cruel joke: the compulsions don't work. They feel like they should... like if you just get enough information, enough clarity, enough certainty, you'll finally be able to breathe. But you won't. Because OCD doesn't work that way. Every time you engage the compulsion, you're basically telling your brain "yes, this is a real threat, please keep sending alerts." And your brain goes "understood, will do" and sends more.
You are feeding the little monster. And the little monster is always hungry. 👾
ps: I love the "little monster" framing, I didn't come up with it, but I'm adopting it and I refuse to give it back
So what do you actually do with the thoughts?
here's the thing. you can't stop them from coming. and you definitely can't logic your way out of them... trust me, the courtroom in your head has already tried and it lost. so if the thoughts show up anyway, and arguing back only feeds the monster... what's actually left?
You let them be there.
I know. I KNOW. Terrible advice. Worst thing you've ever heard. Stay with me.
The goal isn't to get rid of the thoughts — it's to stop giving them power. When the thought shows up (and it will show up), you don't argue with it. You don't try to disprove it. You don't go "but actually, statistically speaking..." You just... notice it. "Oh, there's that thought again. Interesting." And then you return to whatever you were doing.
This is where meditation comes in, and before you close the tab... I see you. I see exactly what face you just made. Look, I made that same face. I avoided it for longer than I should have, I may or may not have called it "new age nonsense" out loud at some point, I cannot confirm or deny.
But eventually I tried it, and I'm not going to be dramatic about it, it just... quietly worked? Like it didn't fix everything overnight, but one day I noticed the thoughts were losing their grip a little faster than before. And I traced it back to that.
It's not about becoming a different person or sitting on a mountain somewhere. It's just practice at returning to the present moment when your brain tries to drag you into a cinema screening of events from 2019 that you weren't even there for. 10-15 minutes. Twice a day. Focus on your breath, return to it when your mind wanders. That's genuinely the whole thing.
The thoughts, when you stop feeding them, fade faster than you'd expect. Seconds to minutes, not hours. Your brain is just waiting for you to stop buying tickets to the screening. 🎟️
The Deeper Thing Nobody Wants to Look At
okay. we're going deep for a second. just a second. then we come back up for air and resume being normal people who definitely don't have unresolved things.
Underneath all the questions and the mental movies and the 3am case files is a fear. Usually more than one. And until you name it, you're just playing whack-a-mole with symptoms for the rest of your life.
someone compiled a full list of the beliefs that tend to live underneath RJ, and I'm going to share it here because... academic purposes. research. for you. definitely not because I had to read it slowly and take several breaks.
- "Our relationship must be special compared to my partner's past relationships"
- "Virginity and losing it is special. And losing it to each other is supposed to be special."
- "I must be and feel special for this relationship to even work"
- "I must be the best in bed or my partner will cheat on me, or think about their previous partners and compare me unfavorably"
- "It's bad if my partner has memories of their previous partners"
- "I can't be happy if I didn't get to experience the same wild casual era my partner did"
- "If I don't have some characteristic her ex had, she's not fully happy with me. She's settling. She'll leave."
- "It's bad to feel jealousy, so I must do something — anything — to make it stop"
- "Without my partner my life would be miserable"
take your time with that list. sit with whichever ones made you go quiet for a second. those are yours.
YOU, reading this: "okay but what do I do with them" 👀
ME: glad you asked, walk with me for a second...
and here's the part that's going to be annoying to hear: none of those fears can be resolved by getting more information. That's the whole trap. You keep asking, keep digging, keep building the mental case file... as if somewhere in the details there's a number, a timeline, a specific answer that will finally make you feel secure. There isn't. There never was.
"the security was never in their past. it was always about something going on inside you."
okay I actually cooked with that one, someone screenshot it 🔥
I know. Take a second. I'll wait.
TIME's UP!
...
okay. moving on.
The Long Game (aka: this is not a vibe, it's a lifestyle)
Recovery from RJ isn't a moment where it all clicks and you're healed and you post about it and the comments go crazy. It's more like... you stop losing as badly, more consistently, over time. The wins get quieter and more real.
You stop feeding the monster and slowly it gets less loud. Not silent... chale, maybe never fully silent... but manageable. The triggers lose their charge. That thing that used to send you spiraling for three days starts to just sting for twenty minutes and then you go make food and genuinely forget about it. That's the win. That's what progress looks like.
And yeah, that means the boring stuff too. Eating actual food. Moving your body. Sleeping like a person and not like someone who is conducting overnight investigations. Building a life you're genuinely into... things to look forward to, projects that excite you, people who fill you up. Not to distract yourself from the thoughts, but because a full life gives the monster less real estate to operate in.
"the goal isn't to become someone who never feels jealousy or insecurity. that person doesn't exist and if they say they do they're lying. the goal is to become someone who feels it, clocks it for what it is, and keeps moving anyway."
two quotes in one post, I'm on a roll today, crack ittt!!😌🤏
And look... it may or may not have taken me writing a several-hundred-word blog post about retroactive jealousy, a whole year after I last posted, to fully arrive at all of this.
make of that what you will 👀
ps: i would be lying to you if I said I don't still have moments where the monster gets a little louder than usual, sometimes I deadass go back to square one, I go ghost, my actions hurt them, anxiety, life, stuff makes shi worse. but that's just part of the deal. it's not about never having those moments, it's about not letting them take over. Rome wasn't built in a day.
however I do argue if Rome had Claude Code, it might have been built a little faster, just saying. 🏗️
call it gaslighting or whatever, but when it gets too loud, I sometimes tell myself, "everything in the past had to happen so we get here today, were there better ways? could they been avoided? yes and yes, but the past is the past and I can't change it"
and while we're here... if you're putting in all this work to show up better for someone, make sure that someone is actually showing up too.
but before you go off to forgive your cheating, back stabbing, low self-respect, low self esteem, low dignity, infact scratch that, no self-respect, no self esteem, no dignity, no loyalty, no respect, cruel, selfish.... (MICHAELLL??!!!), I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm... ex, no try am. Cheating is always, ALWAYS, ALLLLWAAAAYYYSSS a choice. Let that traitor go and don't be like them.
go in peace you🤣
if this hit different, share it with someone who needs it. they probably won't admit they need it. share it anyway.